Home again

I've tried several times in the last 5 weeks, to write this blog post. Until now, it has been very difficult to wrap my head around what happened in the 4 months between Jan 9th and May 9th. I am just now getting to the point where I can think about the run and not (still) have it scare the living crap out of me. It's hard to explain why I feel a bit uneasy looking at a map of the U.S. and I am not sure if I really KNOW why, but I will try and shed some light on it and maybe in doing so, I can better understand what is going on in my own head and perhaps I can help other people conquer some of their fears, or maybe, talk some sense into anyone thinking about doing something as crazy as we did :)

It started with a tweet "I think I'm going to run across the country" 6 months before we left the pier in Huntington Beach. It would be my "Run for Liberty" where I would use my love for running to voice my displeasure at what I see as an overreaching government, and more personally, speak out about my own "tax situation". With that first tweet, I had a pretty good idea of what I was getting myself into. I have always been a dreamer and I like to challenge myself with big goals. I know, having done it a few times, how the road to achieving your goals, can be a real roller coaster ride and that it is usually "darkest before the dawn" and how hard it can be to stay the course. I knew the preparation and planning that would go into it, the sacrifice and focus, the training and pain, the excitement and yes, doubt that would all be part of this adventure. Failing, however, would never enter my mind. And if it did? "I'll crawl if I have to" I'd say, and few who know me, doubted me. Winning at all costs? During my journey, I came to realize that some costs are too high (more on that later). First, some statistics...

Our journey lasted 121 days ending in Hebron, Ohio. In that time, I ran 2,336 miles in 100 running days, averaging 23.3 miles a day. I ran for 558 hours, through 10 states. My longest day was 33.15 miles and 7.71 was my shortest. I ran an "ultramarathon" (more than 26.2 miles) 21 of those days. 82 of the days were over 20 miles. The longest stretch without a rest day was 20 days, covering 519 miles. I burned approximately 280,320 calories over the entire run and each one of my feet hit the ground about 3,017,250 times. That's a lot of pounding and in the end, I think was responsible for me falling 525 miles short.

So, what Happened?

I can't stand the thought of quitting! I can be very stubborn and persistent. It's ironic that my stubbornness is what most likely led to me having to stop. I want to be really careful not to start placing blame. I take full responsibility for my decisions and I could have done some things differently and most likely had a better outcome, but to explain what happened, I need to tell the story as it happened.

First of all, I believe in the benefits of barefoot running. It is a great way to improve your form and force yourself to forefoot strike. But like anything, too much of a good thing can be bad. My goal from the beginning was to run across the country in the Vibrams. I imagined that they would want to sponsor me as I would be one of, if not THE first to do so in their shoes. I would find out about a month into the run that they would pass on sponsoring me because I was "Political". Well, this just solidified my determination to cross in the Vibrams. Didn't they realize that by NOT sponsoring me that that was sending a more powerful political message? Didn't they read this from my website? Now I HAD to finish in the Vibrams. Like I said, I'm stubborn.

The first couple of months, my feet held up pretty well. I did bruise my right heal in the first week, after landing pretty hard on some rocks as we were off road in the California desert. But it wasn't bad and it really didn't affect me too much. In fact, looking back at video, I am pleased with how we took those mountains fairly easily. The first time I can remember running into any trouble, was near the beginning of Oklahoma. Chris and I both got sick. He was throwing up, but me, since I never seem to throw up, just felt sick for a couple of days. It slowed my pace and generally messed up my rhythm. I also started missing my family ALOT! I would get pretty emotional out there and I had a few good cries in Oklahoma. I know, sort of embarrassing, but anyone who has done any endurance sports probably know what I mean.

Things turned around a bit (emotionally) in Oklahoma City. We got our first major press coverage there and it felt great to finally start getting our message out. A few days later, we got to Tulsa Oklahoma and spent a couple days with my family. This really helped lift my spirits. We were about half way to New York and physically I was still in decent shape. The front parts of my feet were starting to go numb, but it didn't concern me too much. I still had energy and numb feet were better than painful feet. We were still a couple of days ahead of schedule at this point, so even though I had stepped up the mileage to about 150 miles a week, we were still taking rest days every 6-8 days.

Time was a concern. I really did not want to finish later than May 28th. I had a couple of family things that I wanted to attend to, also, every day that we were out there, cost money and money was an issue (more on that later). We ended up taking an extra rest day in Tulsa and then another day (due to weather) a couple of days later in Chelsea, OK. Now, my comfortable cushion of time was dwindling away. I felt the pressure. By the time we hit Missouri, I was really focused. I thought of little else besides staying on schedule. I did 20 days straight, covering 519 miles. I felt ok during this time (energy wise) in fact, I think I enjoyed Missouri the most. But, things started falling apart with my feet. Anytime I ran on the interstate, things went well. Big wide shoulders with very little debris and rocks. Running on the back roads was a different story.

As you can see, the shoulder is full of ROCKS! If I had been in shoes, I could have ran right over them, but after a couple thousand miles, every tiny little rock felt like a hot poker. Bummer! On roads with a lot of traffic, it was real hard to keep any sort of decent pace. It was much harder to walk than it was to run, both physically and psychologically. The slower pace added hours onto my time everyday, which in turn wore me down physically. By the time I hit Ohio, I was deteriorating rapidly. We took a rest day at the Ohio state line and I knew my feet were pretty bad. They hurt every night up until this point, but I was always surprised at how they would bounce back (relatively) the next morning. I would swear at the end of every day, that my feet wouldn't work the next morning, but somehow, they would feel better the next day. This was starting to not be the case. They had gone from feeling numb to feeling numb and swollen. I also started to feel worn down and sick. Due to the longer days, I often lacked the energy to eat properly at the end of the day. Not good! I used the rest day to try and refuel and give my feet an ice bath (something I'd rather not talk about :). Ironically, as bad as I felt, the day at this Ohio campsite is one of my more fonder memories. It was a rainy day, Chris and Mike went and got some pizza and beer and we sat and listened to music. It was one of the few times I stopped thinking for a moment and enjoyed where I was at. It was day 114.

The next week, and Ohio was pretty much a blur. To stay on schedule, I would need to do at least 25 miles a day. I did 102 miles in the next 4 days and needed another rest day. Things at this point, did not look good. We took a rest day just outside of Columbus and even after resting for a day I was still wrecked. Two rest days after 100 miles, with 550 miles to go. This was the "I'll crawl if I have to" point. Up until now, Mike and "The Galt" would generally go ahead 25 miles or so and find a base camp for the evening. Chris had been riding on his own since Oklahoma (which made more sense, time wise, now that we were out of the desert) and I was running alone with my Nathan hydration pack. If I was going to continue, we needed another strategy. We decided to take it 5 miles at a time. Mike went up 5 miles and waited for me and Chris, it was more of a security blanket for me. If I got in trouble, I wouldn't be out there alone. We did this for 21 miles ending in Hebron, Ohio. I had enough. Chris said I looked like I was in some sort of controlled fall forward mixed in with a shuffle. I ended the day saying that I would see how I felt tomorrow. I was dehydrated and weak. I woke up the next day and knew there was no way I could go back out. I was done. We decided to go 25 miles east, to a campground and see if I could get it together.

There were many factors at play in our decision to stop. First and foremost, at that point I couldn't continue. I have been in situations where I was extremely uncomfortable and in pain. Ironman Arizona '08, where 17% of the field did not finish and this race comes to mind. I feel like I know the difference between wanting to stop and not being able to continue. I felt that my body was done and if I tried to keep going, I was going to do some serious damage to my body. But, it didn't stop me from questioning my resolve. In any event, if I were to try and keep going, I would have to rest up for a few days. Chris, Mike and I talked and I decided to give it a day to see how I felt. I did some major soul searching that night. Not only would I be stopping, but it would force all three of us to stop. This weighed heavily on me as well. It would have to be our decision and the guys were very supportive and I am very thankful for that.

I learned a lot about myself while I was out there. 558 hours of running gives you a lot of time to think. It was like a walkabout meets a near death experience. Not to be overly dramatic, but it really did show me what is important and what is not, on so many levels. It also made me reflect back on my life. Everything came into sharp focus. Some good things, some not so good. One of the "not so good things" is the fact that I have been very selfish at times in my life. This weighed heavily in my decision to stop. I started to think about what I would be risking if we took a week for me to recover. We would be late for sure. It would cost more money (which was getting tight). It would also eat into my remaining time with my daughter Brittany, who is getting married and moving to Colorado at the end of July, and possibly make me late for my daughter's graduation. All things that I was unwilling to sacrifice. I kept thinking, am I willing to sacrifice these things for my pride. At that point, I felt like continuing at all costs would be yet another thing that I was selfish about, so I could say "I ran from CA to NY". Perhaps I was delirious, but I know I wasn't making excuses. The run was over and my body was done. Looking back now, I know I made the right decision. But at the time, it was devastating.

We stayed at the campground for another day and then drove back home in 3 days. My recovery has been difficult. I didn't realize how long it would take to feel "normal" again. I spent the first 2 or 3 weeks, laying in bed. Part exhausted part depressed. It's hard to explain exactly how I've felt. For close to the last year, my life has revolved around this run. When I got home, nothing looked the same. I could write a book on this subject alone. It has been really hard to get my bearings on things. I have felt like a fish out of water. Perhaps some of it is because we didn't finish. A sort of limbo? Or, perhaps, I have changed profoundly and I need to find myself again. I have started to feel better now that I have started training again (mostly cycling) and have worked a few days. Idle time is not good for the body or the mind. But, I am actually starting to feel "normal" again (whatever that means).

So, what now?

Like I said, it has been hard for me to wrap my head around the run. As I start to train again, I am thinking a lot about going back out and finishing. Honestly, that thought has only been in my head for the last week or so. But now, it actually sounds appealing. We learned so much in those 4 months. Things that we could do to make the last 525 miles easier. Also, ways that we could be more effective with our message. There is still work to be done. Maybe, we'll go out and finish the run and then go to some key states and campaign for some candidates... Nevada?? Oh boy! Here I go again......

I apologize if this post is a little rambling and not very elegant sounding. I had to cover a lot of ground and it was hard to get it all down in written form. But, I didn't want to put it off any longer. There is still so much more to say. I do think I am going to start writing a book about my experiences out there. There are some things that I think might help some people, like how I dealt with my panic disorder while I was out there, etc. But, like I said, way too much to post here.

I would like to say THANK YOU to everyone who followed the run! I can't begin to tell you all how much it meant to us to have your support and read your posts on our adventure. It made me feel much less alone out there. I really miss talking to everyone :( I've laid low these last few weeks, I figure you all could use a respite from me and my posts after all the posts during the run ;-) Now that I have actually addressed what happened, I can start talking about the future.

Soldier on!

Paul